a) Never say ‘would you like to go on a date sometime?’ Make a specific request regarding a date at least a week ahead, and offer an alternative so there is a choice. For a first date suggest a mid-week day, not a Friday or Saturday (except lunch). Don’t go to a film or concert.
b) Always meet in a public place that is accessible to both of you
– never in each other’s homes and of course never in the street.
c) Choose a quite venue, eg., 5th floor bar at Waterstone’s in Piccadilly. Too much ambient noise makes the date v. stressful.
d) Always have your own transport to and from the date. Take your mobile and your date’s contact numbers in case of last minute problems.
e) Arrange for the date to be short – just an hour or two for
the first couple of meetings so you don’t run out of conversation or get into deep water.
f) Be punctual – Chaps, please remember that it is much more embarassing for a woman to wait alone in a bar.
g) Ensure your conversation is up to date – do your homework: read or listen to the news, current affairs. Celeb and sports gossip beforehand. Have you been to a film, concert or the theatre in the last three months? If the answer is no, how sad!
h) Do you have a happy, positive message on your answerphone or do you sound like the owner of a funeral parlour? Fix this.
i) Nervous on a date? Here’s how to zap nerves: simply own up to them. Your date probably feels nervous too and you can both laugh about it, which diffuses the tension.
j) Body watch, not just admiring your date’s figure, but reading their body language to see how they are reacting to you. Are they looking interested or bored? Is their body facing sideways or directly at you? Arms folded? Eyes engaging with yours or looking away? Note any flirting gestures such as “preening”, touching hair, throat or clothing, caressing their body or objects sensuously. Turn on signs: they are facing you, feet pointed towards you, pupils dilated, smiling, sideways glances, prolonged eye contact, raised eyebrows, upright posture, boobs/chest + bums more prominent, pulling in tummy, hair primping, adjusting tie, touching objects, crossing/uncrossing legs. One signal on its own is not enough – look for a cluster of body language signals.
k) Seductive dates are also in touch with their own body language. Hold your gaze a millisecond longer. Don’t look over their shoulder. Sit tall, don’t fold your arms. Smile – not effusively as this looks emotionally needy. Ask a friend about how your smile and gestures come across – you may be in for a shock!
l) Create rapport by mirroring your date’s positive body language, also their voice tone and pacing.
m) Say your date’s name from time to time in conversation – simple
and can have an electric effect.
n) Offer compliments – never overtly sexual or risqué
- o) Curiosity. Seductive people (listen up, guys) are generally very curious. But they don’t interrogate. They typically ask what their date feels or thinks – not just factual or yes/no questions. Why is their work so satisfying? What do they feel about the art exhibition or play they saw? What do think about a particular public figure or celebrity?
p) Check out whether you are taking up more/less than 50% of talking time – men please take especial notice here! Do more proactive listening – repackaging and paraphrasing back to your date to get them to elaborate: ‘so you’re keen on scuba – tell me more’, ‘so you enjoy cooking – what sort of food? There is lots of evidence that men talk too much about themselves on first dates – the result: the woman feels bored and the man thinks he had a fascinating time! BUT women tend to be socialised, even today, to collude with men dominating the talk and even unconsciously encourage them…
q) Good manners and niceties. Old fashioned as some people think
they are, charm and manners always win the day. Even in these days of equality most women prefer a man to open doors, help them on with their coat. The old custom of men walking on the outside of the pavement is still surprisingly much appreciated by some! It is always a cardinal sin for a date to talk with their mouth full! In a straw pole survey of women in my dating seminars 80% of women said they would prefer a man to be chivalrous rather than politically correct.
r) To split the bill or not? In spite of greater equality, men still generally earn more than women. From feedback I’ve received it seems that the woman should offer to pay her share and then give in gracefully if the man tries to pay. I don’t agree with this, but it seems to be the custom, at least in the UK.
s) Physical presentation. You can look Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but if you let yourself down in the way you present yourself, your date will be history. Women put a lot of effort into how they look, and a surprising number of men don’t. Slightly nails and mossy teeth seem to be the culprits in men, followed by scruffy/stale clothes, especially shoes. In fact, at Drawing Down the Moon, I’m well known for being frank with applicants about such matters. Both men and women should pay attention to posture – alpha males and fabulous women don’t stoop. Think tall!
t) Never pressure your date sexually, especially the first time you meet. Someone who holds back sexually is always much more intriguing. There is then more anticipation and excitement about future meetings as you have more to discover about each other. Respect cultural and religious attitudes to sex.
u) Keep first dates short and try to be the first to finish them.
This way you will still be looking forward to discovering more about each other next time, should it have gone well. With long dates you are likely to either run out of conversation or share too much intimate information.
v) Send an email, text or card after a great date saying how much you enjoyed it. Don’t overdo it however as seeming too keen is a big turn off.
w) Ring when you say – don’t promise to phone if you don’t mean it.
x) Don’t judge too soon. First dates can be misleading because of the psychological pressures on the occasion. It’s just a date! Neither of you are intending to marry anyone – just yet. If you’ve had a fun time but you’re not finding any chemistry, see them again ‘just on a friendly basis’ as chemistry isn’t always immediately evident, contrary to popular belief. Because of the expectations and tensions surrounding first dates it’s often difficult to relax and be flirtatious. If you’re intense or not flirting, your date is less likely to flirt and you will not find them so attractive. They might be the right person for you and it could just be the wrong time. But keep your boundaries clear – never let a date think you really fancy them if you don’t. That’s cruel.
y) Saying ‘No”. You don’t want to meet again? – thank your date,
wish them well and explain that you’re just at the stage of exploring possibilities and are meeting lots of people.
z) Hang out with positive, happy people if this is how you want to be yourself – it’s catching (so is being with moaners and groaners).
Above all, keep it light! Have fun – it’s only a date!
Here’s some more strategic stuff:
- Check out your attitude to dating.
Don’t write dates off just because they don’t provide all the ticks on your shopping list. Most us end up marrying someone who didn’t fit our preconceptions and very often possessed less than 60% of the attributes we were seeking
- My “Domino Dating” strategy
The more dates you go on, just for practice, the easier it gets to find compatible people and become more attractive to them. One new date a year and it’s a big deal if it doesn’t work out. A dozen new dates and you’ll have learned lots, become more relaxed and attractive, and you will find it easier to give out flirt signals. This is what I call the Domino Dating or the Ripple Dating effect: one date leads to another, directly or indirectly. It might be with a friend of the person you have dated, later on it might even be with the same person because you are feeling more confident and therefore radiate more attractiveness, it might be because you have just got to enjoy the adventure of dating and discovering new people or you’ve created a new circle of single, available friends through dating. So GO FOR VOLUME! I don’t mean that you should become a serial dater – just more adventurous. So, how do you do this?
a) FRIENDS. Telemarket your friends and explain you want them to find you a date, not Mr or Ms 100% just 60%. Very few people utilise this obvious networking resource for finding dates. Even have a ‘Launch Party’ for your new found dating mission and ask all guests to bring one single friend.
b) ACTIVITIES – casual and organised. Courses in subjects likely to interest the opposite sex: languages, music, computers. Dancing. Skiing. Get a dog – “can my dog say ‘hello’ to your dog”. Scuba. Speed dating, wine tasting, debates, social events
c) DATING AGENCIES. The surprise is that dating agencies are filled with people who never thought they would do this crazy thing. In the old days it was the losers who joined. Now it is the losers who are excluded from the more exclusive agencies and only the people who have a good job and social life are the ones who are accepted.
d) ADVERTISING IN LONELY HEARTS COLUMNS – these do work well, but can be very time consuming and also cost a bomb in phone bills…
e) Internet sites – great for adventurous types but beware of people not being who they say they are – common for people to cut a year or ten off their age, and for men to measure their height in thick socks!
Good luck! Mary
Mary Balfour
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