Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Posh and Becks… and Kiyo and Misha? All classic couples have a story – here are  Drawing Down the Moon’s adopted aardvarks!

Born in separate zoos but brought together by fate, Kiyo and Misha, our loved-up pair of aardvarks live within Animal Adventure at ZSL London Zoo.

Their worlds collided when the zoo curators carefully studied their studbooks, which contain their family history, and considered them a perfect match. And they got it right! They have been inseparable ever since they moved there in November 2008.  Click on the link for the story about how the meerkats have been cheating Kiyo and Misha on their food rations: http://bit.ly/d2stBI

I thought I’d show you pics of the funky cake I made for the wedding of our old friends, David and Annie a while back. They both came to lunch last Sunday and I was reminded of their beautiful wedding ceremony. For the cake they had wanted something unconventional illustrating how the disparate items of ‘baggage’ from their separate lives would be united by their long awaited marriage.  David and Annie have had many different careers: she: ballet dancer, teacher and published writer, he: charity worker in war zones, political campaigner and academic. Now they run wonderful creative writing courses – in fact they both met at a writing group! So I knew I didn’t have to do a ‘proper, posh cake’. Instead I decided on figures of David and Annie on top of three tiers of baggage-filled suitcases with symbols from both their lives scattered around – see ballet slippers, published books, political campaign posters, etc. together with their much adored cat, Tiva, sitting between them. The cake itself was an alcohol and lemon syrup laced carrot recipe.  It was such fun cooking and decorating  it and even more fun eating it, washed down with loads of bubbly and surrounded by all our baby boomer friends in a beautiful monastery in the country.  By the way, do check out Annie’s really excellent creative writing courses on www.anneaylor.co.uk, but hurry as they book up fast!

I hope you like the pics. Yup, I know Annie turned out twice as large as David – no comment intended.  His legs kept falling off so he had to make do with half length ones, whereas I realised rather late in the day that I still needed to incorporate Annie’s elegant feet shod in pink ballet pumps – after which she became taller!

Learning to flirt more effectively isn’t just about learning new behaviour. First and foremost, it’s about getting in touch with the golden, feel-good space deep down inside you without which it’s impossible to flirt.  This is really useful when you’re feeling nervous and inhibited – like before a date. Try the same technique that athletes use to get into ‘winning mode’ before a big event. To get them into peak performance mode they try to recreate the positive feelings related to previous occasions when they have won. By imagining the sounds, sights, smells, feelings and excitement surrounding the occasion, they become empowered.

The ‘Golden Glow’ of success

Try it now.  Close your eyes for a minute and conjure up the feelings associated with a moment in your past, a golden moment, maybe in your childhood, when you were deliriously happy, relaxed, curious, wondrous and playful – in a Golden Glow. Try and identify all the sensory elements that make up this memory. What did you hear, feel, touch, smell or taste? Imagine the scene as a film starring yourself. Intensify the colours. Enlarge the picture. Put yourself right in there.

Lock on to this Golden Glow and let it flow through your body. Where do you feel it? Your throat perhaps, or maybe your belly? Describe it. Is it like the warm rays of spring sunshine? Feel the smile spreading across your face.

Now to evoke this Golden Glow to help you feel flirtations and relaxed at will you need to link it to a ‘trigger’. Choose a special gesture you can make, such as wiggling your toes.  Do it right now! Repeat the gesture and generate the Golden Glow until you have created an association between the Golden Glow and your personal flirt trigger so that, any time you want to flirt, you simply ‘fire’ your trigger. This way, you can evoke the feelings directly and can quickly slip into a fabulously relaxed state that enables you to float effortlessly into flirt mode. Practise this often and then when you’re on a date just think ‘hey, I want to connect a bit more with this person’, then trigger your flirt mode, enjoy yourself and encourage your date to feel the same.

Some people also find it helpful to visualize the image of their flirt role model. They visualize their voice, their body language and conjure up a picture of this person flirting. Then they imagine they are that person – perhaps it’s that friend who hoovers up all the eligible dates at every party!

Flirt School Day Four will give you heaps of ideas for everyday situations where you can practise ‘friendly flirting’ to hone those flirt muscles for when you want to dazzle a special person with your stunning, sexy flirt skills.

Hearing even a faint echo of that sound now conjures up Proustian memories of lying in a warm bed & being woken by the scraping-of-very-burnt-toast-alarm-clock. The enticing aroma wafting up the stairs completed the job. The expectation of hot, charcoal flavoured, buttered toast slathered with chunky home-made (and also slightly burnt) marmalade never failed to get me up. David Essex (whom I had a crush on once) was also on the programme and my heart beat a little faster when I heard that he also liked burnt toast – oh, crumbs!

You can listen to the programme by clicking here – my bit is about 10 mins in, but David Essex is on throughout.

Mary

An excellent way of getting into flirt mode is to summon up the image of a successful flirt whose style appeals to you. Who’s your flirt role model? Consider friends, fictional characters & celebs? Then try and define your flirt style – which of the following might apply:

Naughty, Sexy, Sizzling, Playful, Wicked, Witty, Friendly, Demure, Cheeky, Clever, Smouldering, – any others?

OK, in the past to be called a flirt had certain derogatory connotations, But now lighthearted, friendly flirting is regarded as a powerful communication tool as well as a means of turning up the hormonal voltage.

Playing just a little ‘hard to get’ and the ‘thrill of the chase’ can generate amazing erotic electricity. Of course, as with any communication technique, flirting can be misused. The price to be paid for exploiting it is that you will probably end up attracting the wrong people.

L♥vebyte

“I live by a man’s code, designed to fit a man’s world, yet at the same time I never forgot that a woman’s first job is to choose the right shade of lipstick. Carole Lombard

‘Help! I’m not a born flirt’, I can hear some of you say. Wrong. You were born a fabulous flirt. We were all born fabulous flirts. Psychologists believe that flirting skills are hard-wired into the human species. Since the Stone Age, we have instinctively flirted to help us identify and attract the most likely mates for successful breeding and care of the resulting offspring.

Nowadays, however, flirting is not just a vital means of identifying your best bet for a partner, it’s also a basic form of communication between people in any social setting. It simply goes into a higher gear in romantic and sexual situations. The good news is that you can develop this innate flirting ability to a state-of-the-art level. I’ll show you how you can do this with aplomb.

First, though, we need to get something sorted out.  Isn’t flirting all about being a manipulative coquette, being fluffy and getting round guys – if you’re are woman. That’s not the philosophy of the independent, 21st-century female, surely?   Or if you’re a guy, using all you seductive powers to get women to bed?  What would metrosexual man have to say about this, I wonder?

So, what are the meanings attached to this often misused term?

The conventions of coquetry

I remember my grandmother telling me how a ‘lady’ could make herself more desirable to a ‘gentleman’. Before appearing she should take a gentle breath and silently articulate the word ‘brush’, which should leave her lips enticingly parted so that they were like ‘the petals of a new rose just bursting into bloom.’

L♥vebyte

“Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.”

Oliver Herford

This glorious strategy was, I suspect, one among many listed in Victorian books on charm and etiquette for attracting the attentions of men. Visual signals, accessories and metaphors of dress were used to communicate indirectly with the object of your interest. The fan lent itself to a whole language of  flirtation. (Actually, I’ve always had a sneaky suspicion it was invented to mask gusts of bad breath emanating from mossy fangs – the result of poor dental hygiene).

Flirting has been associated both with the demure heroines of Jane Austen novels and the thrusting breasts and pouting lips of Hollywood sex sirens: from the barely expressed through to the most brazenly explicit. What’s going on? The dictionary defines flirting in many ways – most of them implying superficial or pretend courtship. For example: ‘To try to attract sexually without serious intent’; and ‘One who pays or invites attention merely for amusement.’

L♥vebyte

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment.

Jane Austen, Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice

Next Flirt School post  – how to connect with your own inner flirt.

b)     Always meet in a public place that is accessible to both of you

– never in each other’s homes and of course never in the street.

c) Choose a quite venue, eg.,  5^th floor bar at Waterstone’s in Piccadilly.  Too much ambient noise makes the date v. stressful.

d) Always have your own transport to and from the date. Take your mobile and  your date’s contact numbers in case of last minute problems.

e) Arrange for the date to be short – just an hour or two for

the first couple of meetings so you don’t run out of conversation or get into deep water.

f) Be punctual – Chaps, please remember that it is much more embarassing for a woman to wait alone in a bar.

g) Ensure your conversation is up to date – do your homework: read or listen to the news, current affairs. Celeb and sports gossip beforehand. Have you been to a film, concert or the theatre in the last three months?  If the answer is no, how sad!

h)     Do you have a happy, positive message on your answerphone or do you sound like the owner of a funeral parlour?  Fix this.

i)       Nervous on a date? Here’s how to zap nerves: simply own up to them.  Your date probably feels nervous too and you can both laugh about it, which diffuses the tension.

j)       Body watch, not just admiring your date’s figure, but reading their body language to see how they are reacting to you. Are they looking interested or bored?  Is their body facing sideways or directly at you?  Arms folded?  Eyes engaging with yours or looking away?  Note any flirting gestures such as “preening”, touching hair, throat or clothing, caressing their body or objects sensuously.    Turn on signs:  they are facing you, feet pointed towards you, pupils dilated, smiling, sideways glances, prolonged eye contact, raised eyebrows, upright posture, boobs/chest + bums more prominent, pulling in tummy, hair primping, adjusting tie, touching objects, crossing/uncrossing legs.  One signal on its own is not enough – look for a cluster of body language signals.

k)     Seductive dates are also in touch with their own body language. Hold your gaze a millisecond longer. Don’t look over their shoulder. Sit tall, don’t fold your arms. Smile – not effusively as this looks emotionally needy. Ask a friend about how your smile and gestures come across – you may be in for a shock!

l)       Create rapport by mirroring your date’s positive body language, also their voice tone and pacing.

m)  Say your date’s name from time to time in conversation – simple

and can have an electric effect.

n)     Offer compliments – never overtly sexual or risqué

• o)     Curiosity. Seductive people (listen up, guys) are generally very curious.  But they don’t interrogate.  They typically ask what their date feels or thinks – not just factual or yes/no questions.  Why is their work so satisfying? What do they feel about the art exhibition or play they saw? What do think about a particular public figure or celebrity?

p)     Check out whether you are taking up more/less than 50% of talking time – men please take especial notice here! Do more proactive listening – repackaging and paraphrasing back to your date to get them to elaborate:  ‘so you’re keen on scuba – tell me more’, ‘so you enjoy cooking – what sort of food? There is lots of evidence that men talk too much about themselves on first dates – the result: the woman feels bored and the man thinks he had a fascinating time!  BUT women tend to be socialised, even today, to collude with men dominating the talk and even unconsciously encourage them…

q)     Good manners and niceties. Old fashioned as some people think

they are, charm and manners always win the day.  Even in these days of equality most women prefer a man to open doors, help them on with their coat.  The old custom of men walking on the outside of the pavement is still surprisingly much appreciated by some!  It is always a cardinal sin for a date to talk with their mouth full! In a straw pole survey of women in my dating seminars 80% of women said they would prefer a man to be chivalrous rather than politically correct.

r)      To split the bill or not? In spite of greater equality, men still generally earn more than women.  From feedback I’ve received it seems that the woman should offer to pay her share and then give in gracefully if the man tries to pay.  I don’t agree with this, but it seems to be the custom, at least in the UK.

s)      Physical presentation. You can look Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but if you let yourself down in the way you present yourself, your date will be history.  Women put a lot of effort into how they look, and a surprising number of men don’t.  Slightly nails and mossy teeth seem to be the culprits in men, followed by scruffy/stale clothes, especially shoes. In fact, at Drawing Down the Moon, I’m well known for being frank with applicants about such matters.  Both men and women should pay attention to posture – alpha males and fabulous women don’t stoop.  Think tall!

t)       Never pressure your date sexually, especially the first time you meet. Someone who holds back sexually is always much more intriguing. There is then more anticipation and excitement about future meetings as you have more to discover about each other.  Respect cultural and religious attitudes to sex.

u)     Keep first dates short and try to be the first to finish them.

This way you will still be looking forward to discovering more about each other next time, should it have gone well.  With long dates you are likely to either run out of conversation or share too much intimate information.

v)     Send an email, text or card after a great date saying how much you enjoyed it.  Don’t overdo it however as seeming too keen is a big turn off.

w)   Ring when you say – don’t promise to phone if you don’t mean it.

x)     Don’t judge too soon. First dates can be misleading because of the psychological pressures on the occasion. It’s just a date!  Neither of you are intending to marry anyone – just yet.  If you’ve had a fun time but you’re not finding any chemistry, see them again ‘just on a friendly basis’ as chemistry isn’t always immediately evident, contrary to popular belief.  Because of the expectations and tensions surrounding first dates it’s often difficult to relax and be flirtatious.  If you’re intense or not flirting, your date is less likely to flirt and you will not find them so attractive.  They might be the right person for you and it could just be the wrong time.  But keep your boundaries clear – never let a date think you really fancy them if you don’t.  That’s cruel.

y)     Saying ‘No”. You don’t want to meet again?  – thank your date,

wish them well and explain that you’re just at the stage of exploring possibilities and are meeting lots of people.

z)      Hang out with positive, happy people if this is how you want to be yourself – it’s catching (so is being with moaners and groaners).

Above all, keep it light!  Have fun – it’s only a date!

Here’s some more strategic stuff:

1. Check out your attitude to dating.

Don’t write dates off just because they don’t provide all the ticks on your shopping list.  Most us end up marrying someone who didn’t fit our preconceptions and very often possessed less than 60% of the attributes we were seeking

1. My “Domino Dating” strategy

The more dates you go on, just for practice, the easier it gets to find compatible people and become more attractive to them.  One new date a year and it’s a big deal if it doesn’t work out.  A dozen new dates and you’ll have learned lots, become more relaxed and attractive, and you will find it easier to give out flirt signals.  This is what I call the Domino Dating or the Ripple Dating effect: one date leads to another, directly or indirectly.  It might be with a friend of the person you have dated, later on it might even be with the same person because you are feeling more confident and therefore radiate more attractiveness, it might be because you have just got to enjoy the adventure of dating and discovering new people or you’ve created a new circle of single, available friends through dating.  So GO FOR VOLUME!  I don’t mean that you should become a serial dater – just more adventurous.  So, how do you do this?

a)     FRIENDS. Telemarket your friends and explain you want them to find you a date, not Mr or Ms 100% just 60%. Very few people utilise this obvious networking resource for finding dates.  Even have a ‘Launch Party’ for your new found dating mission and ask all guests to bring one single friend.

b)     ACTIVITIES – casual and organised. Courses in subjects likely to interest the opposite sex: languages, music, computers.  Dancing. Skiing.  Get a dog – “can my dog say ‘hello’ to your dog”. Scuba.  Speed dating, wine tasting, debates, social  events

c)      DATING AGENCIES. The surprise is that dating agencies are filled with people who never thought they would do this crazy thing.   In the old days it was the losers who joined.  Now it is the losers who are excluded from the more exclusive agencies and only the people who have a good job and social life are the ones who are accepted.

d)     ADVERTISING IN LONELY HEARTS COLUMNS – these do work well, but can be very time consuming and also cost a bomb in phone bills…

e)     Internet sites – great for adventurous types but beware of people not being who they say they are – common for people to cut a year or ten off their age, and for men to measure their height in thick socks!

Good luck!  Mary

Mary Balfour

2.      If you give your phone number out you could be rung OR texted, so check your answerphone has a date-friendly message on it.  Many a curious potential date will check to see what you sound like before texting.  Take a deep breath and smile before you record your message.  Never use standard pre-recorded messages.

3.      Only make phone calls or text when you’re feeling relaxed, never when you’re uptight after dealing with a problem.

4.      Do keep trying on the phone till you get an answer in the flesh – avoid leaving messages – the dynamic is totally different and more electric. Of course, you’ll dial 141 first so your number doesn’t appear dozens of times on their caller display if they’re out – guaranteed to signal emotional neediness and frighten the horses.

5.      Do refrain from talking more than 5 minutes for that first crucial phone conversation.  Keep any texts and emails short and flirty. Leave plenty of small talk for the first date – you’ll need it then.

6.      Think “friendly flirty” before you phone, email or text, i.e., playful, curious and exhilarated.  (I have a whole chapter in my ‘Smart Dating’ book on how to flirt with aplomb). Without being able to read someone’s body language you can’t really judge when it’s a good moment for sexy flirting – men beware!  Come across too strong too soon and you’ll frighten the horses. I.e. keep sex texting and emails till you are confident that they are acceptable and giving out the right messages about what you want – a one-night-stand or a relationship?

7.      Do keep all messages, texts, emails and phone conversations light.  The serious stuff on what you are seeking in a relationship, why you want children soon or why you broke up with your ex are all best kept till you know one another better and you’re with them in person.

8.      Never dump someone by text or answerphone – it’s really cruel and cowardly.

9.      Do set up a separate email address that you just use for dating. Your signature and/or out of office replies may give out more about you than you’d want casual flirtees to know.  Protect your privacy.  If you are emailing someone interesting on an Internet dating site, stick to the confidential email system provided by the site – you then have an escape route.

10.  Only give out mobile numbers to strangers – a safety precaution as your address can be tracked from a terrestrial number.

Do have fun!  Remember the text message, the email and the phone conversation, like old fashioned love letters, are to be enjoyed and savoured in excited anticipation of real face-to-face relationships.  Don’t become a serial texter or emailer, pleeeeze.

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